One of the most profound and least talked-about impacts of domestic and family violence is the loss of self. Gradually, through control, fear, shame, and ongoing disruption, many victim-survivors find themselves becoming a shadow of who they once were and often do not realise it until the fog begins to lift.
In this episode, Jo Mason shares an honest conversation with Elizabeth, a victim-survivor about the experience of losing yourself to abuse, and the long, non-linear journey of finding your way back. Together they explore what identity loss looks like from the inside. Hypervigilance, over-explaining, the inability to be present, engineered friendships, the quiet erosion of joy, and the steps that helped them begin to reconnect with who they truly are.
This episode is a little different from the others in this series. It is more spontaneous, raw, and reflective. And there is so much power in that.
This podcast is proudly brought to you by Verdella, the online domestic and family violence recovery programme designed to support victim-survivors in practical and meaningful ways, helping people reclaim empowerment, regain motivation, and plan their next steps with confidence. Verdella is available through licensing partnerships with employers and community service organisations committed to supporting recovery and wellbeing. Visit verdella.com.au to learn more.
In this episode:
- What identity loss in DFV actually looks like, and why it happens so gradually you often cannot see it while you are living it
- The narcissistic fog: what it is, and what the moment of lifting can feel like
- Hypervigilance, over-explaining, and the habits that stay with you long after leaving
- Engineered friendships, flying monkeys, and the way shame compounds everything
- Why couples counselling can be deeply problematic in DFV situations
- What actually helped: education, reaching out, validation, community, and learning to stop looking backwards
- Guidance for anyone who has lost themselves, or is beginning to find their way back
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
Please note: Some services listed below are specific to Queensland. If you are located elsewhere in Australia, contact 1800RESPECT (below) to be connected with your local equivalent.
Immediate Support: 1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732 | 1800respect.org.au | Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week DVConnect Womensline (QLD): 1800 811 811 | dvconnect.org | Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Reading and Resources Mentioned: Dr Ramani Durvasula: Psychologist and author specialising in narcissistic abuse, coercive control, and recovery. Referenced throughout this episode. Book: It’s Not You by Dr Ramani Durvasula, available through major booksellers and libraries. YouTube: Search Dr Ramani on YouTube for free videos on coercive control, gaslighting, and the narcissistic fog.
Recovery Support Verdella DFV Recovery Programme: An online recovery programme for victim-survivors, available through employer and community organisation partnerships. verdella.com.au
Workplace Support WorkHaven: Workplace domestic and family violence education, training, and consulting. workhaven.com.au | hello@workhaven.com.au
A Note for Listeners
This episode covers topics related to domestic and family violence, identity loss, and emotional recovery. It includes honest, personal accounts that some listeners may find confronting. Please take care of yourself as you listen. If anything comes up for you, support is available.
1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732 | 1800respect.org.au | Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
About Verdella
Verdella proudly brings you Rise and Reclaim, an online domestic violence recovery programme that walks alongside people as they rebuild their lives after DFV. Available free to participants through licensed workplaces and community service organisations. Visit verdella.com.au to find out more.
Connect with WorkHaven
workhaven.com.au
hello@workhaven.com.au
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